An Open Letter to Tim Carman, Bacon Hater

Dear Mr. Carman,We read your piece in The Washington Post about bacon.We are not pleased.We find your rhetoric unscrupulous, your metaphors crass, and your conclusions downright… dare we say it?… vegetarian.

You say bacon “has become our national crutch” and we “rely on it to the point of disability.” You claim it does not belong in a grilled cheese sandwich, breakfast oatmeal, pasta, or cheeseburgers. This is disturbing.

We, the people, think you’re wrong. And we’ll show you why:

  • You say our Bacon Oatmeal needs no bacon. Are you sure? Only one of these bowls looks like something we would get out of bed for.

(IMAGE: Clara Persis)

  • Gnocci (whatever that is…) needs no bacon? Really? You couldn’t get us near that meatless bowl of fancy noodles without the bacon!

  • The cheeseburger is an icon. The bacon cheeseburger is freedom.

  • Grilled cheese can be so much more than just two soggy pieces of bread hugging a single sad slice of barely cheddar cheese. Which would you rather eat? No, go ahead; we’ll wait.

(IMAGE: Thrillist)

If Tim Carman’s eating what’s on the left, we’re eating the bacon right. And right we are. We tried to take the high road and show you the light. But, we’ll just come out and say it again: you’re wrong, Tim. Bacon is life.

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